For those of you who kindly expressed concern over my poor little African-headed hand-carved wooden letter opener – who was ruthlessly kidnapped from my desk and forced to work as a underpaid tree support – you’ll be pleased to know that Operation Desktop was successfully completed today at approximately 09:25GMT.

Mr Letter Opener is recovering well, after having spent over a week bound with a common network cable, to what reports suggest was some sort of malnourished and slightly droopy indoor miniature Palm tree. He has sustained only minor injuries.

A spokesperson for Mr Opener issued this statement:

“We are thankful to be welcoming Mr Opener back to the desk where he belongs. His fellow stationary items are overjoyed and will be keeping an eye out in future for any other douchebag American colleagues. We ask you to respect Mr Opener’s privacy as he recovers from this traumatic ordeal. No letter opener should ever have to be used as a tree support. Ever. “

Read here for the full story...